i'm back, at last, in san francisco - and it's absolutely beautiful today! warm, bright, clear, but with that familiar cold in the air as you breathe it in.
i stopped in at cafe gratitude for lunch (where, because of the prices, one can't help but think that, despite good intentions, they serve seriously yuppified vegan food) and one of their trademarks is to ask you a question of the day when you pay your bill. and the question today: what do you excel at?
the thing is, i feel like i'm still figuring that out. there are things that i excelled at in childhood, highschool, college --- but what now? and then i thought it would be interesting to hear what other people excel at (if anybody reads this? hehe.)
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Honestly, this is something I avoid thinking about. Because what if what I come up with is far removed from what I'm doing with my life right now.
thinking about excelling makes me so uncomfortable. namely cause i want it so bad. i want to excel at EVERYTHING. but the word itself means to rise above, to surpass, so it's all inherently caught up in competition and comparison and i hate how much comparison influences how i feel about myself.
ex: i've done really well in my perf art class. each assignment is graded, so basically we've gotten a grade each week either for a perf or a response paper, and i've gotten a whole lot of good grades and good feedback and woohoo, go me. but then this past week when we were working on our final group perf, people were talking about their grades in the class over the quarter, and as it turns out, my grades aren't just good, they're comparatively really good. which, then, made me feel like... i'm excelling. like part of some kind of elite in that class. and simultaneously, totally ugly for thinking that way and thinking that other people's success diminishes mine.
so it's a subject of internal conflict for me. i wish i could conceive of excellence in some way (or something similar to excellence) that doesn't involve comparison, but it seems like it starts to lose its meaning then......sigh.
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